Avuncularitis

ATLANTA, Georgia: Social scientists at the CDC (Centre for Detection of Crap) have tonight issued a new Social Movement Disease Advisory Bulletin. The bulletin, latest in a series that also includes warnings on the perils of the “smugosphere” and “ego-fodder”, explains the risks of avuncularitis, a set of symptoms predominately found in and caused by advanced chronology- determinated temporo-mandibular overactivity.

“In laywoman’s terms,” said Dr Shirley Shome-Mishtake, “some old people can leverage white hair and a winning smile so that they do not merely control, but also dominate, space. More often than not, they will then use 500 (of their own) words when 50 would do in their responses to questions. They don’t seem to be ‘noticing’ that shorter answers would give time for more questions, and thus more interactivity with the group they are leading. Other symptoms include selective deafness to questions that challenge their authority and methods, a debilitating hyperextensibility of time-awareness when related to favoured courses of action, and a divide-and-conquer mentality when it comes to inviting responses.

“Avunculitis is probably related to the already-known and debilitiating “EM”, popularly known as ”hippie flu.” EM (“Earth-Mothering”), first isolated on a Scottish eco-retreat known as “Gaia’s Farm,” is particularly related to XX chromosomal normalities. Symptoms include chronic self-righteousness, inability to process information dissonant to worldview and debilitating apoliticisation.

Reached for comment at the Tesco-funded Sustainable Citizenship Institute, Dr Peter Kropotkin, leader of the centre’s flagship “Prolonged Democratic Development to Counter Corporatism” programme stated “If you take the Freudian line, individuals have ego-defence mechanisms. It appears that social movement groups, especially those unduly in awe of activists from the 1960s and 1970s, need to develop some ego attack mechanisms. Otherwise avuncularitis will continue to cause sub-optimal utilisation of limited time and bandwidth. If these groups apply for funding from the ESRC or the Ministry of Grass-roots Empowerment, they’ll be able to skill-up quickly, and overthrow multinational corporations, which is, after all, the only hope for the species.”